Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
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No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.