Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
You Might Also Like
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious