gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
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Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?