the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
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My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on