*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
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This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself