[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
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I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
figuring out my emotional availability:
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
tinder is all about the long game
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that