I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
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*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.