My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
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“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Holy shit he’s back
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic