The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
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HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
uh oh