I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
You Might Also Like
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!