Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
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I only treason on days ending in y
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Never be a pizza!
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache