Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
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I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
That was easy.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?