“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
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Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Probably my best painting.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
just gave your address to some spiders
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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.
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It’s Dublin.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
These 3D printers are insane!
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.