Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
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ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
I love twitter