me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
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back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.