[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
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Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions: