“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
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wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.