I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
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Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Happy birthday to all the women
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics