“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
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Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Going to church you guys need anything
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Good Morning.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
#Caturday
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.