My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
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Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
What the hell happened in there??
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!