Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
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I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me