Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
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Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Did my cat write this
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.