I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
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Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Monday
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone