On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
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7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I’m sure it’s fine.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’