Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
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I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
new career option?
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.