*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
You Might Also Like
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice