[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
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interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️