In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
You Might Also Like
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car