If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
You Might Also Like
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.