“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
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If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.