If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
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Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep