Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
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my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW