I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
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[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
i think both sides are to blame here
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.