Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
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Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Breaking news:
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though