There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
You Might Also Like
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.