My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
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there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?