Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
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Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Cake!!
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
No chill.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.