Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
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Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Living the best life.. 😊
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home