Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
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What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Are we there yet?…
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster