What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
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Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?