Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
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Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
There’s only one good girl here!
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Smile they said.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
this country is so goddamn polarized
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)