Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
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Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.