If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
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Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*