Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
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Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.