[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
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MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
sounds kinky. i’m in.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny