Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
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[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children