It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
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*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Spa day..😅
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
*3.5 thank you very much.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.