Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
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Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
the simulation is moving too fast
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways