*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
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WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Not today. 😅
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us