I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
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I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house